Seeing Relationships Clearly Without Merging, Fighting or Checking Out
When tension or misunderstanding enters a relationship - with a partner, a child, a parent or a colleague - our nervous system is rarely interested in helpful insight into how to best support the relationship in that moment. Instead, it responds with an instinctual question: Am I good? Am I loved? Am I valued? Am I authentic? Am I competent? Am I safe? Am I happy? Am I protected? Am I at peace?
Which question do you inherently ask? Is it one listed above, a different flavour of these, or an entirely different question?
The instant that the answer to your question feels uncertain, or the conflict is relevant enough to poke at wounds from the past, then the mechanisms of personality take over. Long before our conscious mind has time to analyse what is happening, we default to our patterns of personality and self-defence strategies.
If you already know your type and have been working with the Enneagram for a while, then your question and pattern may be obvious and familiar to you. If you're new to the Enneagram, it might take a little self-reflection and awareness to really understand the underlying mechanism that kicks into gear when you next enter an argument with a loved one. When you locate it, remember that it's an innocent and pure part of you asking this question. Afterall, who doesn't want to be good, loved, valued, feeling like they can be themselves, competent, safe, happy, protected, and at peace?
Always remember that it is your birthright and natural state to be wise and noble, loving and generous, to esteem yourself and others, to be creative and constantly renewing yourself, to be engaged in the world in awe and in depth, to have courage and to rely on yourself, to be joyous and effortlessly accomplished, to be strong and effective, to enjoy peace of mind and to be present to the unfolding myself of your life.
Russ Hudson, Author the Wisdom of the Enneagram
Asking the question unconsciously is only the first step in a series of a whole-body response to the perceived loss of our birthright and natural state.
For Withdrawn Types 4, 5, and 9 that pattern often looks like turning away from the relationship, as these types turn inwards, pull back and even go quiet as a response (no response is still a response), perhaps stepping away to protect an inner sanctuary and conserve energy.
For Compliant Types 1, 2, and 6 it looks more like moving towards the relationship, smoothing things over, over-functioning, soothing the other person, or trying to do the 'right' thing to restore order and safety.
For Assertive Types 3, 7, and 8 it looks more like pushing against the relationship, as these types take charge, sharpen their words or insist on a position to ensure agency and freedom, and to avoid being controlled.
In the heat of a difficult moment, our default instinct is to judge the other person's actions through our own lense...
Why are they over-reacting?
How can they simply disengage and not talk this through?
Why won't they give me space to process this?
etc.
These aren't moral flaws, and you need not chastise yourself (or others) for showing up in these ways. The patterns you have developed are deeply ingrained personality patterns that were formed in childhood, and they were formed in response to your environment with one aim - to keep you safe.
When you face conflict again in adulthood, or something tussles your sense of safety, then your system does exactly what it was conditioned and has learned to do - manage discomfort and minimise threat.
When you begin seeing your patterns playing out, you may wish that you could stop it, control it or respond in a different way. You may even see the cost of how you respond and notice that your relationship with yourself and your loved ones is paying the price.
So how do you manage your differences in how you and your loved one's respond to conflict or stress in the relationship? How do you stay present in the moment and 'show up' in your relationships in ways that support the comfort, love and connection between you both? Of course, the specific answer for each of you will be nuanced and individual, yet there is something that seems to be universal. Relational Presence.
Relational presence with another can be cultivated through;
the knowledge that another person's reality is not your own, (the head)
being capable of holding space for yours and their reality, (the heart)
remaining deeply rooted in your own physical perimeter. (the body)
Expanding Perspective Without Taking It On
Your personality lenses represent how you view the world. It's like a pair of glasses that colours and filters our world, and these glasses are tinted by our Enneagram Type, our conditioning, and our lived history.
Building true relational compassion begins when we expand our perspective. When we pause and shift away from judgements and towards curiosity. Instead of asking with judgement, why are they are behaving this way? (Without really wanting to know the answer)
Try asking with genuine curiosity, why are they behaving this way? (And see if you really can be curious about the answer.) With the Enneagram as our teacher, we can become curious about what lenses the people we love (including self) are looking through.
There are no one-size fits all Enneagram Types, (you may relate to all or only a little of my examples) but as there are patterns to be found in all of nature, we too hold our own patterns in the way that we bear our psychology. Here are some of the patterns we see for each type:
Type 1's react out of a need for integrity and order. They may be scanning for error, unfairness or a lack of care.
Type 2's react from a need to be loved. They may be sensing for emotional distance or rejection.
Type 3's react out of a need to be valued. They may be sensing inefficiency, failure or a loss of momentum.
Type 4's react out of a need for authenticity. They may be sensing for the feeling of being misunderstood or dismissed.
Type 5's react out of a need for competency. They may be scanning for intrusions on their energy or clarity.
Type 6's react out of a need to be safe and secure. They may be scanning for safety, trustworthiness, and risk.
Type 7's react out of a need to be happy. They may be scanning for limitations, discomfort or concern of being trapped in difficult emotions.
Type 8's react out of a need for self-protection. They may be sensing for unfair control or power imbalances.
Type 9's react out of a need to be at peace. They may be sensing for unwanted pressure, and disharmony.
Recognising another's lens does not mean agreeing with their behaviour, tolerating harm, or ignoring your own needs. Compassion simply means honouring that their internal reality is as real to them as yours is to you. You can understand their lens without having to wear their glasses all day long. Simply try them on and take a peek. You might be surprised at what you find.
The Lens, and The (Boundary) Line.
If the Lens is how we understand the other, I'll introduce the concept of The Line - how we remain tethered to ourselves. This is your somatic perimeter and the physical and emotional truth of where you end and the other person begins.
I've noticed it's common to think about boundaries as being rigid walls, harsh ultimatums or even leading to refusing communication with another. I recognise that unfortunately there are times where this kind of boundary may be required in dysfunctional relationships. Initially, there is a kind of boundary that is naturally created when you withdraw, assert yourself, or become compliant in response to another. This is the automatic boundary that is habituated out of personality, and not often one that we mean to create.
Then, there is another kind of boundary available, The Line. A somatic boundary that is quiet, grounded, and physical. It is the felt sense in the body that says:
“I can care deeply about what you are feeling right now, without absorbing it into my own nervous system."
This kind of self and other compassion is possible when we are able to recognise the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. As we recognise our patterns as stories and automatic reactions, our automatic responses begin to soften and you make space for holding more than only your fears and anxieties. Is this possible for everyone? Yes, but there are some conditions that need to be met for this capacity to come on board for you. I'll discuss these conditions in another journal entry.
When we lose touch with The Line, we inevitably fall back into our automatic stance loops:
We over-adapt or merge because we absorb their discomfort as if it were our own fire to put out.
We fight or insist because we feel invaded and urge ourselves to push back to create space.
We withdraw because we don't know how to stay near them without losing ourselves.
Staying grounded in your physical body, feeling the weight of your feet on the floor, the rise and fall of your breath, the stability of your spine - allows you to hold your line with calm firmness. You don't need to heat up to be heard, and you don't need to check out to stay safe.
Psychology Extends Beyond The Mind
Relational patterns are felt physically long before they are spoken verbally. You likely know your body’s unique warning signs: a sudden tightness in the throat, a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, a clenched jaw, or the subtle urge to step backward.
Because these responses originate in subcortical, body-based regions of the system, trying to "think" or "talk" your way into staying grounded in a heated moment can feel like trying to steer a boat in a storm by telling it where to go. When arousal is high, analytical language takes a backseat to survival impulses.
This is why somatic practices and Art Therapy offer such a transformative bridge.
In the studio, we use tactile art materials as a "Third Object." Rather than just talking about your relational patterns, we bring them into physical space where we can observe them taking shape and form.
By physically exploring marks, lines, boundaries, and containment on paper, clay, or other medium, the body gets to feel the difference between over-adapting, defending, withdrawing, and grounded presence. We give ourselves a felt experience of holding a line without building a wall.
Drawing A Line
Relational freedom isn't about controlling the other person, changing their lens, or pretending that it doesn't hurt. It is about learning to stay present in your own body, while allowing them to be in theirs.
The next time you feel a familiar relationship loop taking over - whether the urge to soothe, defend, or slip away - try taking a gentle somatic pause:
Acknowledge the Lens: Notice that the other person is seeing through their own filter (made up of their Enneagram Type, conditioning and life experience)
Locate Your Line: Bring your attention inward to your physical perimeter. Feel your feet, your breath, and the physical space your body occupies.
Offer the Pause: Remind yourself, "I can stay connected to you, while remaining centred in me."
An Invitation
This interplay between perspective and presence forms the foundation of a new workshop I am currently developing, called The Lens and the Line.
If this exploration speaks to what you are currently navigating in your relationships, I would love to hear from you. Comment below or email me directly to share what resonated or click below to book a free 30-minute discovery session for 1-on-1 in Brighton, QLD or Online anywhere in the world.
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